STILLBORN I CARRIED YOU IN HOPE THE LONG NINE MONTHS OF MY TERM, REMEMBERED THAT CLOSE HOUR WE MADE YOU, OFTEN FELT YOU KICK AND MOVE AS SLOWLY YOU GREW WITHIN ME WONDERED WHAT YOU WOULD LOOK LIKE WHEN YOUR WET HEAD EMERGED, AND AT WHAT GLAD MOMENT I SHOULD HEAR YOUR BIRTH CRY, AND I WELCOMING YOU WITH ALL YOU NEEDED OF WARMTH AND FOOD; WE HAD A HOME FOR YOU AFTER MY STRONG LABORINGS SWEAT COLD ON MY LIMBS MY SMALL CRIES MERGING WITH THE SPRING AIR YOU CAME. YOU DID NOT CRY, YOU DID NOT BREATHE. WE HAD NOT EXPECTED THIS; IT SEEMS YOUR BIRTH HAS NO MEANING. OR HAD YOU REJECTED US? THEY WILL SAY THAT YOU DID NOT LIVE, REGISTER YOU AS A STILBORN BUT YOU LIVED FOR ME IN THE DARK CHAMBER OF MY WOMB, AND WHEN I THINK OF YOU NOW, PERFECT IN YOUR LITTLE DEATH, I KNOW THAT FOR ME YOU ARE BORN STILL; I SHALL CARRY YOU WITH ME FOREVER, MY CHILD. YOU WERE ALWAYS MINE, YOU ARE MINE NOW IN LIFE AND IN DEATH YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY DAUGHTER. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ADRIANA LORRAINE BLACKSHELL WAS BORN MAY 3, 2007 AT 3:57 PM TO: MEGHAN BARR & DeMON BLACKSHELL 9LBS 7OZ 20" THE DAY AFTER HER DUE DATE. THE HOSPITAL USES THE TERM DELIVERED I USE BORN. BECAUSE ON MAY 3RD AT 3:57 I BECAME A MOTHER FOR THE FIRST TIME. SHE WAS CONSIDERED A STILLBORN AND WAS NOT ISSUED A BIRTH CERTIFICATE. WE ARRIVED AT THE HOSPITAL MAY 1ST AROUND 9:30 PM, I HADN'T FELT THE BABY MOVE IN A COUPLE HOURS. IT WASN'T UNUSUAL I HAD JUST HAD AN ULTRA SOUND AND NON STRESS TEST TWO DAYS PRIOR SHE WAS PERFECT. "SHE'S ALREADY OUT GROWN HALF HER CLOTHES! " i LAUGHED OUT WHEN I CALLED MY FIANCE' TO TELL HIM WE WERE HAVING A NINE POUND BABY. ON THE WAY TO THE HOSPITAL I REMEMBERED LOOKING AT THE MOON, IT WAS A FULL MOON, AND THINKING THEY SAY THE MOST AMOUNT OF BABIES ARE BORN ON FULL MOON NIGHTS. WHICH SEEMED TRUE WHEN WE ARRIVED. THERE WERE SEVEN PEOPLE IN ACTIVE LABOR. THE NURSE COULDN'T FIND A HEARTBEAT, BUT SHE TOLD US NOT TO WORRY THE BABY COULD BE BREECH, AND SHE WENT TO GET A DOCTOR. IT TOOK HIM 30 MINUTES TO COME WITH THE ULTRA SOUND MACHINE. TWO MINUTES LATER WE WERE TOLD OUR BABY WAS GONE. SEVEN FAMILIES WERE BEING GIVEN PROMISES, HOPE, FUTURES, DREAMS,AND LIFE. AND MY DAUGHTER WAS GIVEN NOTHING. I STARED BLANKLY AT THE DOCTOR AS HE TOLD ME COLDLY THAT I WAS GOING TO HAVE DELIVER "IT". BUT IT WASN'T AN EMERGENCY AND I COULD GO HOME FOR A WHILE AND COME BACK IN THE MORNING. "WHAT!?! NOT AN EMERGENCY???" I WANTED TO SCREAM AT HIM, BUT SAID NOTHING. i STAYED AND THEY INDUCED MY LABOR. OUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS SURROUNDED US AS MY LABOR DRAGGED OUT OVER THE DAYS. I SILENTLY PRAYED THEY WERE WRONG AND MY BABY WAS ALIVE AND WELL. AND WHEN I GAVE BIRTH SHE WOULD CRY, AND THE DOCTORS WOULD APOLOGIZE FOR SUCH A CRUCIAL MISTAKE. SHE DID NOT CRY. IT WAS NOT A MISTAKE. THEY ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO SEE HER I SAID YES BUT I COULDN'T OPEN MY EYES. DeMON PUT HIS ARM AROUND ME AND KISSED MY HEAD AS THE NURSE HANDED US OUR DAUGHTER. I OPENED MY EYES SCARED OF WHAT I WOULD SEE. WOULD SHE LOOK DEAD? SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL, "IT'S AMAZING TO LOVE SOMEONE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW SO MUCH " PEOPLE SAY. BUT I HAVE KNOWN HER FOR NINE MONTHS. I FOUND OUT AT SIX WEEKS THAT I WAS PREGNANT. i KNEW EVERY MOVE SHE MADE i FELT EVERY HICCUP, I KNEW SHE HAD ATTITUDE BECAUSE IT YOU PRESSED MY BELLY SHE WAS RIGHT THERE KICKING BACK. I KNEW SHE LOVED HER DADDY BECAUSE WHEN HE WOULD TALK TO HER SHE WOULD MOVE TO HIS VOICE. AND I KNEW SHE LOVED ME BECAUSE SHE ALLOWED ME THE HONOR TO BE HER MOTHER AND TO FEEL HER GROW INSIDE ME. I LOVE HER AND MISS HER MORE THAN WORDS CAN EXPRESS. BUT I DO NOT BLAME GOD FOR WANTING HER BACK BECAUSE SHE IS SO PERFECT. IF I WAS IN THE POSTION TO DO SO I WOULD TAKE HER TOO. MY MOTHER SAID WHEN YOU LOSE A PARENT YOU LOSE A PAST, WHEN YOU LOSE A CHILD YOU LOSE A FUTURE. I GRIEVE FOR THE LOSS OF A PROMISE, I GRIEVE OUT OF EMPTINESS, SADNESS, BUT MOST OF ALL I GRIEVE OUT OF SELFISHNESS. MY DAUGHTER ALTHOUGH HERE FOR SUCH A BRIEF MOMENT DID MORE THAN I HAVE DONE IN TWO YEARS. SHE BROUGHT TOGETHER TWO FAMILIES, WHO NEVER THOUGHT THEY WOULD JOIN. SHE MADE US REMEMBER JUST HOW IMPORTANT TOGETHERNESS AND FAMILY IS. AND SHE MADE ME REALIZE WHAT ABSOLUTE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS, SOMETHING THAT MY MOTHER HAS GIVEN ME BUT HAS GONE UNNOTICED FOR 19 YEARS. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY SHE TAUGHT US  FORGIVENESS AND FOR SUCH A SMALL PERSON TO BE ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH SUCH A LARGE TASK EVEN IN DEATH IS A MIRACLE IN ITSELF. SHE WAS SENT HERE FOR A REASON AND THAT WAS TO BE OUR ANGEL. WHICH SHE ALWAYS WILL BE.  I SAY I GRIEVE OUT OF  SELFISHNESS, BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH MY PRECIOUS BABY DID SO MUCH FOR OUR  FAMILIES AND OUR HEARTS. I WOULD THROW ALL OF IT AWAY JUST TO BE WITH HER AGAIN, BUT I AM GRATEFUL I GOT THE CHANCE TO KNOW HER IN WAYS OTHERS CAN NOT. WILL I CRY? OF COURSE, BUT i AM NOT CRYING FOR ADRIANA SHE IS IN A FAR BETTER PLACE. SHE IS STILL INSIDE ME AND HER FATHER NO MATTER WHAT WE DO OR WHERE WE GO SHE IS THERE. LAUGHING WITH US, CRYING WITH US AND WATCHING OVER US. IN TIME SHE WILL HELP US HEAL AND CONTINUE WITH LIFE. i AM MAKING THIS WEBSITE IN HOPES THAT OUR DAUGHTER CAN HELP OTHERS AND ALWAYS BE REMEMBERED THAT THROUGH LIVING WE REMEMBER OUR CHIILDREN. THROUGH DEPRESSION AND DENIAL IT IS AS IF WE ARE LETTING THEM GO. I WILL BE SAD FOR MYSELF AND THE REST OF THE WORLD BECAUSE WE NO LONGER HAVE ADRIANA PHYSICALLY, BUT I WILL SMILE BECAUSE SHE IS IN A BETTER PLACE. AND I BELIEVE SHE WILL CONTINUE TO HELP HEAL US ALL. THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO READ THIS AND LET THE MEMORY OF OUR BABY LIVE ON. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- GOODBYE WE PLANNED AND WAITED SO LONG FOR YOU THEN, AFTER ALL THE TIMES OF TESTS AND TEMPERATURES, AT LAST YOU BEGAN TO LIVE IN ME. I LISTENED TO YOUR SPEEDY LITTLE HEART AND IMAGINED WHO YOU WOULD BE. AS I SNUGGLED UP TO YOUR DADDY, YOU KICKED HIM "HELLO" FOR THE FIRST TIME. EVERY DECISION WAS MADE WITH SUCH CARE; WHAT COLOR TO PAINT, QUILT TO SEW, A ROCKER FOR LATE NIGHT FEEDINGS, EVEN A GOWN FOR YOUR CHRISTENING. YOU WAITED PATIENTLY INSIDE ME SO EVERY DETAIL COULD BE COMPLETED A LIFETIME OF ANTICIPATION FOR YOU. WE HEADED TO THE HOSPITAL, HURTING BUT HAPPY THAT YOUR TIME HAD FINALLY COME. WE'D FINALLY MEET OUR LITTLE GIRL. WE DID EVERYTHING RIGHT; BREATHING, PANTING, PUSHING HOW WERE WE TO KNOW THAT WHEN WE LAST SNUGGLED, YOUR KICK TO DADDY HAD MEANT "GOODBYE" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- FOR: ADRIANA BLACKSHELL MAY 3, 2007 YOU ARE OUR ANGEL. WE LOVE YOU LOVE, MOMMY & DADDY